Rating - NC-17
Pairings - Major pairings: Angelus/William, Angelus/Darla, William/Darla. Minor pairings are various combinations of those six.
Keywords/Warnings: Found in some but not all chapters: Het and Slash Smut, Violence, Bloodplay, Torture, Rape. As you see by the pairings, I'm firmly of the opinion that as vampires, Angelus and William would have had a physical (sexual) relationship. If you don't agree, don't read this series.
Summary: This is my take on William's past, starting with being turned by Angelus, in 1880. I try to stick as close as possible to the timeline as given us by Joss Whedon where possible, but most of this is all my ideas, my attempts to "fill-in-the-blanks."
Dedications: To CrazyEvilDru, my beta and my favorite Buffy-Fic author in this world. She got me into writing smut, and then encouraged me in my first attempt at writing m/m smut, the first story of this series.
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Spike moaned softly into Angelus' mouth, letting himself enjoy being kissed by his sire for once. Angelus ran his tongue over his teeth, and he parted his lips, letting the older vampire deepen the kiss. He ran his hands up over his sire's arms and tangled them in his hair.
He'd missed this. He'd hated pushing Angelus away, the past week. He'd felt that he was being torn in two, having to try to deny what he felt for his sire. And now that he believed Angelus really didn't want to hurt him, he finally gave into his desires.
But he wasn't ready for things to get completely back to the way they had been in the past. At least not imediately. Deciding to resume his relationship completely with Angelus and actually doing that were two very different things. He'd been hurt, hurt more deeply than he was ready to admit even to himself. And even though he knew Angelus had hated hurting him, it would still take time for him to trust his sire again fully.
He hoped Angelus could understand that.
He seemed to. His hands rubbed Spike's back soothingly as he claimed his mouth. Spike didn't feel pressured, and was relieved at Angelus' apparent willingness to take things slowly.
Spike sensed rather than felt his sire's face shift and then tasted blood. "Oh..." he groaned when he realized that Angelus had sliced into his own tongue, letting Spike drink from him. He tightened his hands in his sire's hair and sucked on his tongue greedily. He hadn't even realized how hungry he was. But he *had* lost a lot of blood.
*Oh hell!* He felt his cock harden and whimpered. He tried to push Angelus away. They had to stop. He couldn't do this.
Angelus felt Will push at his chest and sensed the boy's growing panic. He broke the kiss, but he kept his arms around his waist. "Look at me, Childe," he said, his voice firm. Will stilled and looked up into his eyes hesitantly. "It's all right, Will. I won't hurt you," Angelus said. He meant it.
Will seemed to believe him. "But what if she tells you to?" Almost.
Angelus sighed. "It won't come to that."
Will *did* shove him away this time, and got to his feet. "Don't *do* that," he said. "Don't pretend it's all gonna be all right when we bloody well both *know* better. She hates me, Sire! You know it and I know it and it's not going to go away because you want it to!"
He began to pace, growing more and more irritated as he thought about the Darla problem. And a part of him didn't *want* to go into this now. Not when he didn't have to. *Just let it go. You've got three weeks together. Don't spend them arguing. Not when this time with him might be the last you'll have for a very long while. She might not ever let him near you again, once she returns.*
And he was tempted, so tempted to follow that advice. But he couldn't. He wouldn't be happy pretending everything was fine. He *needed* to deal with this, and the sooner the better.
"I didn't say it was just going to go away," Angelus said, standing and trying to catch Will's gaze. The boy refused to look at him, though. "But I won't hurt you again, Will. If you believe one thing I say, *please* believe that."
"How can I?" Spike asked, meeting his sire's eyes. He felt like he was going to cry and pushed the urge away with every bit of self-control he had left. "How the hell *can* I, when I know that if she ordered you to do it, you wouldn't have a damn choice?!"
He turned away as he felt the tears spring into his eyes. He wouldn't cry. That was a sign of weakness he'd promised himself Angelus would never see again.
Angelus felt his childe's torment deep inside, and his demon raged, wanting to tear apart the person who'd hurt the boy. Unfortunately, that person had been him, a fact which only disturbed him more. "I swear to you, William," he said as he stepped closer. "I won't hurt you. I won't let her hurt you. I don't know yet how I'll keep that promise, I only know that I will do everything possible *to* keep it."
"You don't know how much I want to believe that..." Spike replied softly, not looking at his sire. "But I..." He shook his head. He couldn't. He'd believed it once, and it had led to a heartache that he was still trying to recover from. He headed for the stairs, evenough though he didn't move as quickly as he could have.
He felt arms around his waist and was pulled back against his sire's body. "Don't," Angelus said, nuzzling his neck. "Don't leave like this, Will. I *know* I hurt you; I know you have no reason to trust me. But if you'll just take that chance again, I swear to you, you won't regret it."
Spike paused, considering the risks involved in what Angelus was asking of him. It was so tempting. He *wanted* to trust his sire. He wanted to believe he was safe letting himself care about the older vampire again. But he'd done it before and had learned how awful the consequences could be. And all of those hours were reasons not to do it again. As much as he despised Darla, he didn't know how to get past the damage that had been done to his relationship with Angelus. Even if she *had* caused it... if he didn't know it wouldn't happen again, how could he be insane enough to just risk it?
"We've got three weeks, Will. Can you give me that much time to convince you that you can trust me?" Angelus asked. He grazed still human teeth over the scar from where he'd turned his boy. "Before Darla returns, I promise I'll have an answer as to how I'll protect you."
Spike shuddered in response to his sire's teeth on his throat. Three weeks. Three weeks to just *be* with Angelus.
What did he have to lose?
Probably his ability to keep Angelus at a distance. But he wasn't so sure he'd have been able to keep his sire at arm's length even if they *didn't * reach an understanding. He needed Angelus. He would probably never be able to leave, even if things did get worse due to Darla's jealousy.
He'd most likely stay around and take whatever pain he got as a result.
But until that moment, he could just let himself be with Angelus, again. Especially for the next three weeks. Just the two of them, alone together. The way he'd wished it could always be, back in the days when they'd been close.
He might not be able to let his sire do more than hold him occasionally. But he needed at least that much physical contact with Angelus. He was so tired of fighting that need.
He nodded. "Three weeks."
Angelus turned Will around in his arms and pulled him close, kissing him, tenderly. "I promise it will work out. I'll make sure of it." He could see the doubt in his boy's eyes and wished he'd never done anything to cause it in the first place. But there was no way to change what had happened. Now he could only prove to Will that he could be trusted.
"Let's go upstairs," he suggested. He felt his childe tense in his arms and knew he'd had misunderstood his meaning. Well... not misunderstood, because Angelus *did* want Will in his bed. But he wasn't going to force that.
"Will." He waited for his childe to meet his eyes. "I will not push you to do anything you're not ready for yet." He took the boy's face in his hands. "I just want to spend some time with you. I..." He leaned in and kissed Will gently and whispered. "I've missed you." He felt his childe relax a little and smiled. "Come upstairs with me, to my room. We can talk. I can tell you everything I should've told you weeks ago about the slayer," he offered.
Spike nodded. "Okay," he replied. He glanced up at Angelus briefly, before dropping them again stare at a spot on the older vampire's shirt. A blood stain. His blood.
Suddenly it hit him. It all could have ended, earlier tonight. But it hadn't. Angelus had saved his life and had risked his own life in the process. It was the strangest thing. Nobody had ever been that attached to him, to risk death to save him. None of his friends. Not his mother. Certainly not his fa-- mother's husband.
"Will?"
Spike shook off those depressing thoughts and looked back up at Angelus. "Yes?"
Angelus had noticed how deep in thought the boy had been. And he was curious as to the cause. "What were you thinking, just now?" he asked.
"Nothing important," Spike shrugged. He broke free of Angelus' arms and started up the stairs.
Angelus knew that his boy's response had been a lie, but he wouldn't press the issue. He'd always been aware that Will had secrets, most of them having to do with his life as a mortal. And though he wanted to know everything about his childe, he also understood the need to forget painful events in your past.
He followed close behind Will as they walked up the stairs. They reached the door to his room and the boy hesitated. Angelus sensed his nervousness and pulled him back against his chest, wrapping his arms around the boy's waist. He kissed the back of Will's neck and suggested, "Why don't you go to your room and change out of less bloodstained clothing?"
Spike nodded, breathing a sigh of relief. He was grateful for the opportunity to have a few minutes to himself. He needed to catch his figurative breath and just think for a little bit, away from the addictive presence of his sire.
Angelus let him go and Spike walked to his room. He was less relieved than he thought he'd be when he got some distance between them. He was surprised to discover that he didn't want that distance. Perhaps it was a component of the sire/childe bond, perhaps it was something else, but he *needed* Angelus. He realized then that was part of the reason he'd been so on edge the past week and a half. He'd tried to tell himself it was because he wanted to be as far away from Angelus as possible... but just the opposite had been the case. The truth was that the *only* time he felt at ease, whole, right, was when he was near his sire, and they were getting along.
He sat down on his bed with a sigh. He didn't know what would happen in the next few days, let alone the next few hours. But he could either make himself sick worrying about it, or just choose not to over-analyze it all. He could take it one moment at a time. If he was uncomfortable with something, he would just tell his sire that. *Of course *that* will work,* he thought with a roll of his eyes, knowing well how persuasive Angelus could be when he really wanted something.
He stood and pushed his pants off, hissing in pain as they rubbed against his painful erection. He'd been hard since his sire had let him drink his blood. And it had just gotten worse, since then. "Damn," he muttered. Angelus probably had been well aware of his arousal, as aware as Spike was of his sire's.
He could ignore it.
He nodded and pulled a fresh pair of pants back on. He slipped a white shirt on as well, feeling better once he was fully dressed again. *Yeah, like that will stop Angelus from trying to make me undress again,* he thought with a roll of his eyes. Suddenly he was had the mental image of his sire's hands slipping under his shirt and--
"STOP!" he jumped at the sound of his own voice. "Hell, if I keep *this* up, and he hears me, he's gonna think I'm going batty as Dru," he said, shaking his head in self-disgust. "Get a grip, Spike," he ordered himself.
Angelus slipped into another pair of slacks, but he didn't pull on a shirt. Partially because when it was so close to dawn, there was no need to get fully dressed when he'd soon be getting ready for bed. And partially because he'd missed watching Will openly admire his body.
Granted, that wasn't being as patient as he could have been with his boy. But he hadn't lied to Will. He wouldn't push him into anything he wasn't comfortable with. He had no intention of scaring his childe away, not after they'd made such surprising progress. But he would test the boundaries the younger man set, occasionally. He'd just be careful about it, so Will didn't feel threatened by those tests.
He sat on his bed, leaning back against the pillows, waiting for his childe. After a few minutes in which he'd almost decided the boy had changed his mind, he heard a knock on the door. "Enter," he called.
Spike walked in and stopped short as he looked at Angelus. His sire's beauty often left him speechless. He could understand well how Darla would be jealous of anyone who attracted this man's attention away from her. If he were honest with himself, he'd have to admit *he* was jealous of *Darla.*
He shook that thought away and stepped inside, shutting the door behind him.
"Come sit," Angelus invited.
Spike hesitated, suddenly not sure that being in Angelus' room with him was such a good idea at the moment. Things were still so confused in his head. He wanted, but he didn't *want* to want. He trusted, but he didn't. He needed, but he wished it weren't the case.
*Stop being silly* he reprimanded himself. *It's not as if he's going to jump me. He could've done that days ago.* He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, turning slightly to face his sire. He had to admit, the view wasn't a terrible one. However, it made things more difficult when it came to resisting his desire for the older vampire.
Angelus sensed his childe's nervousness, along with the underlying desire. He wished there were something, *anything* he could do to make all of this easier on Will. But he knew nothing except time would tell whether Will would ever trust or feel comfortable with him again.
Angelus reached out and took one of Will's hands in his own. When the boy looked up at him in surprise, he couldn't help smiling a little. He was more than capable of taking things slow, when the payoff was worth it. He'd wooed many men and women in the past and had never failed in getting whomever he wanted, eventually. He actually enjoyed the pursuit, viewing it as a different kind of hunt.
It was easier when the attraction was mutual. They did have issues to get past, but he felt more hopeful than he had the previous week. Especially now, when the desire was clear in those beautiful blue eyes. Will wanted him. Soon, Angelus would get him to admit that to both of them.
Spike tore his eyes away from his sire's, feeling that the older vampire was looking into his very soul. *Don't have a soul,* he reminded himself. *Well, he knows what I'm feeling. Of course he does. He can smell my desire. At least I'm not the only one...* He stifled a moan as his cock grew even harder at the realization. He had to make an escape from the room before he just fell into his sire's arms and gave into his needs. That was something that he'd definitely regret later.
"I ... I should--" he tried to pull his hand away, but Angelus refused to let go.
Angelus waited until Will looked at him. "You should what?" he asked. "Leave? Why? Because you think it's wrong not to?" He sighed. "Will, it's not wrong to want to be with me. I'm your sire. I'm inside you, the same way you're inside me. That's part of the reason for the strength of the bond between us. It's why you're torn, Childe. Why you don't want to leave this room, even though you don't want to stay either. Your mind is telling you I've hurt you and might do it again. But the blood - our blood - is telling you that I'd rather be tortured by a hundred slayers than harm you.
"But it's ultimately up to you which part of yourself you trust more," Angelus finished with a shrug.
Spike knew which part he *wanted* to trust more. As he stared at the hand holding his own, he realized that it had been months since he'd felt this close to his sire. And he'd missed that, so much. Angelus was right; he *did* known, deep inside himself, that his sire would do anything to protect him. But he had also thought that - known that - a week ago. And Angelus had still raped him, repeatedly.
He pulled his hand away quickly and stood. "I... I can't..." he faltered as he saw the disappointment in Angelus' expression. "... I want to," he whispered the admission. "But I just can't, not yet."
Angelus stood and took Will's face in his hands. The boy didn't pull away, so he leaned in for a gentle, unthreatening kiss. And when he broke away, after just a moment, he said, "All right. I meant it, when I said I wouldn't push you. If you need space, you'll get it. I won't promise to be happy about it, but I will accept it."
Spike nodded. "It's been a long night. I should go to bed."
Angelus *wasn't* happy with that decision. However, he'd known that this would take time. Just because he wanted Will to share his bed, that didn't mean it would happen any time soon. "All right," he agreed. "Try to get some sleep, you'll heal faster. And if you need *anything*..."
"I'll let you know," Spike replied. "Well... I..." he shrugged and turned to go. He let out a sigh of relief when he got into the hallway. It had been difficult to find the willpower to actually leave his sire's presence. But it was better to take things slowly. It's how he wanted it.
He just had to *remember* that.
Angelus removed his pants and crawled under the covers. Will wasn't the only one who was tired. The boy was right, it had been a long and eventful evening. But not a total loss, for once. He had made headway in his pursuit of his childe. He'd known it as the arousal permeated the air. He'd seen it in the boy's face. Most likely, Will wouldn't be ready to resume all aspects of their relationship for a long while. But Angelus was almost certain that within a couple more days, the boy would at least be willing to sleep in Angelus' room again. And even if he wasn't able to do more than just hold his childe, he was surprised to discover that would be good enough for him.
At least for a little while.